A man walked into a bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm.
He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.
The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar,
so he didn't mention the ducks.
They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom.
He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks.
There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.
The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.
"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. . .Had a ball. . . .Been in and out of puddles all day!
What else could a duck want?", said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
Then he said to the second duck,
"Hi And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great! Lovely day. . .I've had a ball too!
Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!" said the duck in reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said,
"My name is Puddles and don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him andsays..............."The airbag."

Submitted by Dawn Gale

Joke #3

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar. "But
what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay
waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just
Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because
it really 'Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer,
"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy
asks, "Why Timex?" The fella
proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on ticken!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to
be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is
Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock'." and gives
a wink.
Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET'. Now give me
a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asked, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN!"

Submitted by Travis Ruhge

Joke for 04-30-04